Last week was one of those weeks... the one where a lot of things seem to go a touch awry and you just seem to fumble everything. Yet, at the end of it I am left smiling more or less- my coursework and lectures are done for the year, I've got a job interview coming up (scary but a good feeling) and I'm home seeing friends and family I haven't seen in weeks or months. So after a bit of kerfuffle I feel pretty good after all and to be honest it doesn't all seem so fail :)
So I should probably tell you how it went... can't remember much from the beginning, guess it wasn't going so bad then... just had a careers fair and was still left completely baffled as to what to do with my life as well as deciding it was too soon to see someone after all (stupidly after trying to make contact), this was Tuesday. Both of these things probably didn't help with the slightly downward spiral of events after this point. Nothing particularly bad or horrific happened... just all went a bit... clutzy XD but nights out often leave me feeling that way.
So Wednesday was going pretty okay, went along to two revision sessions for practical exams and felt like I might actually know some of the stuff, I think I procrastinated a lot on my final piece of coursework but got some done too. It culminated in a uni night out with some fun peeps and my lovely Milly :) I was left with a fairly significant feeling of embarrassment but that probably is just due to a good night! I think I mostly spent Thursday napping, procrastinating and wondering why I started telling one of my best friends I fancy her... Such fun!
So anyway, I then spent Friday in the Library from about 8am to 6pm (with a refreshing break for lunch) so I could finish my coursework and go home the following day... long story short I got it done and then printed and went over to hand it in. I guess that's where the fail began slightly. I'm running over there already a little flustered because I just want it out of my sight so I can go home and get ready for another night out at le Student Union amazing-lameness of Cheesey music and Friday that is 'The Bop' and when I get there the doors are locked in such a way that I can't get into the corridor to my hand-in box... panic... security guard looks sort of scary and annoyed. In the end I went back with my housemate (yeah I'm a bit of a child :P or rather I'm not great at the best of times and I was in a bit of a tizzle- thanks Laura :)) and there was a different security guard... of course he lets me straight in leaving me feeling a bit lame and dumb, just got myself in a pickle I guess. Problem Sorted. Though, by this point I'm running late and end up running round like a headless chicken getting changed, trying to start packing and making dinner. It all seemed to be going well, up until the point where I ran out to check on my pasta (practically boiled dry and a bit crunchy in places!) and forgot my keys... now normally my door has to be pulled shut on my way out but what with it being quite warm in London Friday and all the windows were open... it actually shut properly for once in its life! I was not quite in the frame of mind to be locked out with my hair still wet and wait an hour for security to let me back in (I unfortunately also called them exactly when they're normally busy locking up O_O). I knew it was all basically my own fault for running late and rushing around but still grrrrrr at life! lol
Hooray! I made it out. Drinks happened. Drunk happened. The members of our party were dropping like flies but I made it to Bop if slightly disgruntled... I still felt kind of okay. But then, for what ever reason (probably a combination of many things) I start feeling and acting pretty miserable, this being the point where I started getting all deep. I ended up babbling that I don't see how people can fall in love with me because they should either initially be put off by my wild dress sense and shy personality, or if they like that sort of thing then basically I'm a horrible person and can get a little crazy, overreact, pour my feelings out on facebook etc. (I'm just too open about my feelings sometimes, I hope it seems alright in this format?? haha) this isn't exactly what I really think about myself just silly me talking. I know I have my faults but I'm also sure that we all do, we're all mad in our own way and that's what I love about people- we're all just as crazy and stupid as each other at one time or another! I ended up being one of those girls sitting outside weeping for a bit, don't do that drunk mood very often! lol When I think about it now it's funny because really I'm okay about so many things now it really doesn't matter. I went home, probably woke the world up and ended up sending a lot of tbh pretty random texts and messages including a message to someone I barely know telling them I think they're awesome and stuff (I do, but still, creepy! And probably nonsensical! lol) and a rather rambling facebook status. To be honest in the most part it was all about things I care about... all about honesty and all about the feeling that I lose people because I care too much and it makes me act crazy... to the point where they don't really seem like they want to speak to me ever again or I just feel awkward and foolish anyway. Then again, someone, maybe everyone will probably tell me that's how it goes with relationships most of the time and that 'being friends' rarely works or is genuine. It still sucks though.
Saturday was a day of late starts, rushed packing and tidying and barely being able to walk under the weight of heavy bags... oh and of course buses terminating before their supposed destination ¬_¬. I was running so late for my journey home from University I missed out on the possibility of a lift and hand to call in a hero to help me walk back to my house (with the parents), who I still owe cakes! It all worked out though I guess, I found the letter saying I had an interview, went along to a quiz raising money for my friends' charity Peters' Place (www.peters-place.org.uk) and hence caught up with people I hadn't seen in ages. Sunday was a nice day too, pretty chilled catching up and getting a meal with the family, somehow being home has suddenly made me feel much more chilled, though perhaps that's just because the actual act of getting home was so stressful XD And today I caught up with a good friend watching Fellowship of the Ring on VHS and talking nerdy stuff ^_^ we so cool and retro... holiday at home seems to be going well so far.
I think I had a clearer idea of what I took from last week when I first started thinking about it yesterday. I guess mostly I'm thinking that I'm still smiling, actually, and despite things I've said or thought none of that is really getting me down. I might have regrets and there might be things about myself I don't like but these I things I cannot or should not change if even I had the ability. All I can do is learn more about myself from my mistakes and perhaps it'll help me know more readily what I want or need in the future... I would love to learn not to overthink things but I think it's probably far to deep in my nature to shed, until I'm old and wise at least :P
I feel sort of proud of myself that, for once, I feel I'm thinking pretty positively perhaps thank to the lifted weight of coursework and the somewhat refreshing prospect of revision and exams (yeah I know, I'm kind of odd) plus the step in the positive direction of a job interview. So I'll give you a tip people, and it's one I used to have a much better hold on, just keep smiling and remember to laugh... be yourself don't let them get you down. :D xxxxx